The Challenges of Faith

Step into my world. You will find someone who is a bit lost..... in their life style, emotions, and spirituality. I used to hate when people would make analogy's about "going through hell." I'm someone who believes in a Heaven and in a Hell, and that real Hell is far worse then any of us imagine, and far worse then anything I've gone through. However, you get to a point that maybe you don't know what else to call it. The point for anology's sake is that when you are going through hell you are hopefully going to get out.

I'm out of Hell....but this part is also hard, because maybe we really don't know our own future. As much as I want to and could make bold predictions about my future as a man, or as a ballplayer, its really not for me to decide. As a bit of a control freak, and a competitive S.O.B (really!) this is not so easy.

I believe in God. I believe in Jesus. I would be lying if I said this recent "test" doesn't get to me a little bit.

I don't believe that before all of this happened that I was a bad person by any means.... but I am thankful for all that I had gone through prior to lung surgery. I am thankful for how it had shaped me spiritually, and as a person. It may have even made me a better ball player. I truly felt that before this last surgery that I had made huge strides as a person, and was truly trying to live a life that was pleasing to Christ. I felt so blessed and fortunate to be playing again, but even more to be alive and breathing, and able to enjoy lifes simple pleasures, like a campfire at a beach, and deep conversations with good friends.

After this last surgery, Im un easy. Im a bit haunted by this whole Cancer thing. Even saying the word used to bother me. Recently a baseball coach back up North has passed away from Cancer at age 42. Also, a friend of the family who has battled the disease for a good ten years and appeared to beat it so many times has had yet another reoccurance. For the 1st time in my whole experience with this.....I am scared.

For the record, the surgery went well. I may not even need more chemo. This would be great news. Maybe even a better story to have the surgery and still play this Spring and Summer. Regardless though, I am at the pennicle in life, where I really need to 100% rely on God. This also scares me to death. I know God loves me and will heal us all, but its not up to us to decide when. It kind of pisses me off....

I want nothing more then to serve God through a long and healthy life here on Earth. I want to get married and have children someday. I want to play the game that I love for the next couple summers and give it all that is left in the tank. I want to do missions work and experience adventure. I want to rid myself of all vanity and make a difference. I pray that this also be God's plan.

Everyday is a constant reminder of how much a certain someone means to me......for that I am thankful....and maybe thats the point? All I know is its harder to keep my head up then usual.

FINALLY, I will say something that IS NOT out of character for me. I will do every single thing in my power to stick around here, to have days in the sun, to have my day of vengence, and to reek havoc on every pitcher who comes in my path and I will continue to try to honor the God that I love.

For those who are curious, I will be wearing #20 on the back on my jersey this spring. I nearly switched to #3 which Ive never worn. It would have stood for the father, the son, and the holy spirit...the ones I credit for me being allowed to play. However as my dad said, "you don't bring honor to God through a number, you bring honor to God through what you do."

So with a #20 on my back.....I march on, and I swing! and most importantly, even on the bad days, try and live for God.