Identity....
its something that haunts us all. The truth is, I want my identity to be in Christ. I want to love God and grow in relationship with him so much, that nothing else on this earth matters. To be so humbled infront of the Lord and happy with that, that I feel no need for a new tatto, or to "spice" anything up in life. However, I really have no idea if this is possible.
The last thing I want to be in this life is a hypocrit, and I feel like one after tonight. It annoys me that I can go from the guy leading a team prayer, to the guy swearing loudly and included God's name in it when things dont go right in the batting cage.
Im a competitive guy....it sounds dumb and immature....and I agree, it probably is, but if I dont hit every ball as hard as I can, and square up the baseball I get pissed off. I want to be the best damn hitter on the field. On my team, and on the other team, and unless I am that day, Im probably going to lose sleep about it. Does it work for me? Some days yes.....some days, not at all!
As a person I am trying to make household changes...I really am. Im 23 and while most guys my age are getting drunk and sleeping with any chick that is willing, I dont do either. Do I judge? I try not to, and do I ever drink? yeah I do, but I havent in 2months and Im not always sure if its something I want to do. I got my hair cut today and now look like a choir boy, simply because I was growing vain about the idea of growing my hair out and dont want to be that guy. I try so hard to be humble....I am begining to drive myself nuts.
Should I go get tanked and laid? Probably sounds like a good idea, but Im not that guy and I don't encourage anyone to be. I feel bad for even thinking about a girl I respect in a "not so gentlemanly way". Do I do it? yeah. Doesn't mean I dont feel bad about that too though and want it out of my life.
Heres what it boils down to:
Adam the Person wants to be a follower of Christ and make good decisions centered around a love for and a relationship with Jesus. I want to be a gentleman, and be the type of guy that kids can look up to, that baby boomers respect, and old people want to hug.
I want to lead my family, friends, and teammates to christ and be there for them at all times. Oh! and I want a cute wife someday too! (I had to add a little humor)
Adam the baseball player wants to put God first, above the game, above all else. Lead teammates to christ and be an example, as a person and as a christian. I want to be the best hitter on my team, and lead my team in batting average, and runs batted in. I want to be a cross between Joe Mauer and Manny Rameriz.
The problem: This damn little rebelious side...or maybe who I used to be, maybe who I really am? I get tired of trying to be picture perfect and realizes Im human. On the outside, I want to appear hardend.....bad ass......like I need this alter ego to escape into once in a while. But no matter how hard I try to be a rebel....... I am a good guy. Why do I bother?
To hit the crap out of a baseball, I always feel like I need this bad attitude, and that being positive and joking with teammates is going to make me less of a player. How do I be the real me and be successful on the baseball field? I guess that is a the question of the day.
How to go from holding doors for little old ladies to make a Clark Kent like transition into stiking fear into the hearts of opposing pitchers...... If anyone has the answer....Please....Comment!
Who am I?
Im someone who WANTS to know and follow Jesus, maybe not someone who always does
Im someone who cares......
Im someone who is an escape from a typical 23 yr old guy, and wishes girls realized it
Im someone who is fiercly competitive and wants not much more then to hit .400 with a ton of RBI's
Im someone who likes the idea of the wilderness and reading books better then computers, tv's and cell phones, but still doesn't read enough, or know shit about the outdoors haha
Im someone who wants to escape.....
Im someone who doesnt like or want attention, yet wants respect
Im Adam Bozinski, and Im still figuring ALL of this out...........
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Friday, March 6, 2009
Bet against me.... I dare you
I would be lying if I said I havent been me lately. Sleeping in till 2 pm today, not getting out, and having this home sick like feeling every time I go to baseball practice. Not playing after working so damn hard is un real. I can not explain how hard it is. Honestly....it makes me feel sick sometimes.
Last night as I sat on the computer, last night in my dreams, this morning when I woke up....the only mind set has been that Im done. That my body as well as my soul cannot take anymore. No more cancer, no more surgery, no more chemo...I dont want any of it and Im at an edge where I dont know if I can take anymore.
It scares the hell out of me that a friend of the family has battled this shit for years, and been in the clear so many times to have it come back. It angers me. I can not tell you how much it burns me up inside. But it brings me to this conclusion.....
Forget the nightmare I had last night that had me done..... forget recooperation. Forget it all. Right now if I took a full swing I would lose my breath, but what is that breath worth if I can't be the man I want to be. The man I am is a winner. Im not that dead beat who sits around defeated like I have been.
I will play...and I will play in 10 days in Arkansas in spring break, and I will rip a double coming off the bench. I know my stamina wont be able to tolerate left field for 7 innings, but if its late in the game and we need a run, bet the house that I will pinch hit and do damage to the baseball.
Everytime I step on the field I will thank the God that I love, but need to show up in some big ways right now. I will also step unto the field for anyone that this rotten disease has affected, and though it my rip my chest and hurt the scars from my surgery, and leave me out of breath, I will take my cuts, and I will play.
You never know when the end is....you never know when its going to be your last game, when its going to be your last day. I will put my complete trust in God and try and hit the ball through the pitcher.
Bet against me..... I dare you.
Last night as I sat on the computer, last night in my dreams, this morning when I woke up....the only mind set has been that Im done. That my body as well as my soul cannot take anymore. No more cancer, no more surgery, no more chemo...I dont want any of it and Im at an edge where I dont know if I can take anymore.
It scares the hell out of me that a friend of the family has battled this shit for years, and been in the clear so many times to have it come back. It angers me. I can not tell you how much it burns me up inside. But it brings me to this conclusion.....
Forget the nightmare I had last night that had me done..... forget recooperation. Forget it all. Right now if I took a full swing I would lose my breath, but what is that breath worth if I can't be the man I want to be. The man I am is a winner. Im not that dead beat who sits around defeated like I have been.
I will play...and I will play in 10 days in Arkansas in spring break, and I will rip a double coming off the bench. I know my stamina wont be able to tolerate left field for 7 innings, but if its late in the game and we need a run, bet the house that I will pinch hit and do damage to the baseball.
Everytime I step on the field I will thank the God that I love, but need to show up in some big ways right now. I will also step unto the field for anyone that this rotten disease has affected, and though it my rip my chest and hurt the scars from my surgery, and leave me out of breath, I will take my cuts, and I will play.
You never know when the end is....you never know when its going to be your last game, when its going to be your last day. I will put my complete trust in God and try and hit the ball through the pitcher.
Bet against me..... I dare you.
Monday, March 2, 2009
The Challenges of Faith
Step into my world. You will find someone who is a bit lost..... in their life style, emotions, and spirituality. I used to hate when people would make analogy's about "going through hell." I'm someone who believes in a Heaven and in a Hell, and that real Hell is far worse then any of us imagine, and far worse then anything I've gone through. However, you get to a point that maybe you don't know what else to call it. The point for anology's sake is that when you are going through hell you are hopefully going to get out.
I'm out of Hell....but this part is also hard, because maybe we really don't know our own future. As much as I want to and could make bold predictions about my future as a man, or as a ballplayer, its really not for me to decide. As a bit of a control freak, and a competitive S.O.B (really!) this is not so easy.
I believe in God. I believe in Jesus. I would be lying if I said this recent "test" doesn't get to me a little bit.
I don't believe that before all of this happened that I was a bad person by any means.... but I am thankful for all that I had gone through prior to lung surgery. I am thankful for how it had shaped me spiritually, and as a person. It may have even made me a better ball player. I truly felt that before this last surgery that I had made huge strides as a person, and was truly trying to live a life that was pleasing to Christ. I felt so blessed and fortunate to be playing again, but even more to be alive and breathing, and able to enjoy lifes simple pleasures, like a campfire at a beach, and deep conversations with good friends.
After this last surgery, Im un easy. Im a bit haunted by this whole Cancer thing. Even saying the word used to bother me. Recently a baseball coach back up North has passed away from Cancer at age 42. Also, a friend of the family who has battled the disease for a good ten years and appeared to beat it so many times has had yet another reoccurance. For the 1st time in my whole experience with this.....I am scared.
For the record, the surgery went well. I may not even need more chemo. This would be great news. Maybe even a better story to have the surgery and still play this Spring and Summer. Regardless though, I am at the pennicle in life, where I really need to 100% rely on God. This also scares me to death. I know God loves me and will heal us all, but its not up to us to decide when. It kind of pisses me off....
I want nothing more then to serve God through a long and healthy life here on Earth. I want to get married and have children someday. I want to play the game that I love for the next couple summers and give it all that is left in the tank. I want to do missions work and experience adventure. I want to rid myself of all vanity and make a difference. I pray that this also be God's plan.
Everyday is a constant reminder of how much a certain someone means to me......for that I am thankful....and maybe thats the point? All I know is its harder to keep my head up then usual.
FINALLY, I will say something that IS NOT out of character for me. I will do every single thing in my power to stick around here, to have days in the sun, to have my day of vengence, and to reek havoc on every pitcher who comes in my path and I will continue to try to honor the God that I love.
For those who are curious, I will be wearing #20 on the back on my jersey this spring. I nearly switched to #3 which Ive never worn. It would have stood for the father, the son, and the holy spirit...the ones I credit for me being allowed to play. However as my dad said, "you don't bring honor to God through a number, you bring honor to God through what you do."
So with a #20 on my back.....I march on, and I swing! and most importantly, even on the bad days, try and live for God.
I'm out of Hell....but this part is also hard, because maybe we really don't know our own future. As much as I want to and could make bold predictions about my future as a man, or as a ballplayer, its really not for me to decide. As a bit of a control freak, and a competitive S.O.B (really!) this is not so easy.
I believe in God. I believe in Jesus. I would be lying if I said this recent "test" doesn't get to me a little bit.
I don't believe that before all of this happened that I was a bad person by any means.... but I am thankful for all that I had gone through prior to lung surgery. I am thankful for how it had shaped me spiritually, and as a person. It may have even made me a better ball player. I truly felt that before this last surgery that I had made huge strides as a person, and was truly trying to live a life that was pleasing to Christ. I felt so blessed and fortunate to be playing again, but even more to be alive and breathing, and able to enjoy lifes simple pleasures, like a campfire at a beach, and deep conversations with good friends.
After this last surgery, Im un easy. Im a bit haunted by this whole Cancer thing. Even saying the word used to bother me. Recently a baseball coach back up North has passed away from Cancer at age 42. Also, a friend of the family who has battled the disease for a good ten years and appeared to beat it so many times has had yet another reoccurance. For the 1st time in my whole experience with this.....I am scared.
For the record, the surgery went well. I may not even need more chemo. This would be great news. Maybe even a better story to have the surgery and still play this Spring and Summer. Regardless though, I am at the pennicle in life, where I really need to 100% rely on God. This also scares me to death. I know God loves me and will heal us all, but its not up to us to decide when. It kind of pisses me off....
I want nothing more then to serve God through a long and healthy life here on Earth. I want to get married and have children someday. I want to play the game that I love for the next couple summers and give it all that is left in the tank. I want to do missions work and experience adventure. I want to rid myself of all vanity and make a difference. I pray that this also be God's plan.
Everyday is a constant reminder of how much a certain someone means to me......for that I am thankful....and maybe thats the point? All I know is its harder to keep my head up then usual.
FINALLY, I will say something that IS NOT out of character for me. I will do every single thing in my power to stick around here, to have days in the sun, to have my day of vengence, and to reek havoc on every pitcher who comes in my path and I will continue to try to honor the God that I love.
For those who are curious, I will be wearing #20 on the back on my jersey this spring. I nearly switched to #3 which Ive never worn. It would have stood for the father, the son, and the holy spirit...the ones I credit for me being allowed to play. However as my dad said, "you don't bring honor to God through a number, you bring honor to God through what you do."
So with a #20 on my back.....I march on, and I swing! and most importantly, even on the bad days, try and live for God.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
To Hell and.....on the way back
Yesterday I got released from the hosptial at approximentally 4:00 pm after spending the 4 full previous days in the hospital. As I sat on the couch breathing fresh air from the draft near the door I could not help but to cry a little off and on with on one thing in mind.....
April 25th @ Milwakee Area Technical College
After being released from the hosptial for lung surgery which removed cancer cells from my lungs, I immediately began emotionally thinking about my come back to the baseball field.
I am 23 yrs old and have worked too damn hard to back to where I am athletically, only to have it ripped from me and my lungs dug into. The amputation of my left foot and the rounds of chemotherapy were hard, however I think this surgery has already taken the most physical toll. I have no desire to play college baseball next year or to hold off on this, it is NOW or never.
Why April 25th? The amputation of my left foot took place April 26th of last year and...well....we dont play that day, so I am making my intentions on the day before.
I cant write much more right now as Im a little fired about this. Eventually I will write about my latest experience in the hospital and possibly on the emotional toll it usually takes, and the physical toll of my recovery.
Stay tuned for now and pray and look forward to April 25th....sooner if Gods strength allows it.
April 25th @ Milwakee Area Technical College
After being released from the hosptial for lung surgery which removed cancer cells from my lungs, I immediately began emotionally thinking about my come back to the baseball field.
I am 23 yrs old and have worked too damn hard to back to where I am athletically, only to have it ripped from me and my lungs dug into. The amputation of my left foot and the rounds of chemotherapy were hard, however I think this surgery has already taken the most physical toll. I have no desire to play college baseball next year or to hold off on this, it is NOW or never.
Why April 25th? The amputation of my left foot took place April 26th of last year and...well....we dont play that day, so I am making my intentions on the day before.
I cant write much more right now as Im a little fired about this. Eventually I will write about my latest experience in the hospital and possibly on the emotional toll it usually takes, and the physical toll of my recovery.
Stay tuned for now and pray and look forward to April 25th....sooner if Gods strength allows it.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Baseball Scars
The inspiration for this blogs title came through a song by The Road Hammers. In the song, they sing the following lyrics:
"i went too far I went too fast i’d light a fire, just to walk right through it.
busted bones, dreams and tears, tattoo my heart like souvenirs
life is just a word till you go through it, i’ve got the scars to prove it"
The song makes me reflect on my life and my battle with Cancer as well as my journey to get back on the baseball field, and also my journey with God. For those who do not know me well, my life revolved around baseball for 22 years. Even to this day, it invades my thoughts, feelings, and deepest emotions. Regardless of what life has thrown at me, it has been a constant source of hapiness in my life, and that forever connecting bond between my father and I. I am also a very competitive guy, with a firey past on the baseball diamond that includes ejections, scuffles, and a napolean like syndrome when in the batters box or on the mound. The game has shown the best of me, and all too often the worst of me as a person. It has tested my character time and time again, and just like the song lyrics above has played a part in busted dreams and tears. It also happens to go hand and hand with two of my three tattoos. Looking back on all of my years I have played, and the comeback I am hoping and working dilligently at to complete I see how God has used this game to shape me, and build a fire in me.......to many, baseball is just a game till you go through it, I've got the scars to proove it.
Current Situation: If you are new to my blog and do not know me, you will find out all that this blog is about my clicking the "about me" section on the right of this page. Friday morning I will be having my 4th Cancer related surgery in the last 12 months. I will be having surgery to remove, what doctors believe to be cancer (sarcoma) cells that have traveled or possibly originated in my lungs. The surgery will cause me to lose around or less then 15% of my lung function. Both athletically, and physically I am told this will not be a problem.
I am told I will need a month to recover, and it may be a couple before I feel full strength. It is my intention to take the week off from actively participating in baseball practices at Western Technical College. From there, I will give it an addition week if need be, and regardless of pain I plan to begin lightly throwing and swinging a bat again. It remains my goal to play college baseball this season and I am shooting for an April return.
Please include you me in your prayers, for nothing is possible without the strength of the Lord.
In this blog you can expect to see ........ more truth, and honest writtings about the situation at hand, as well as storys of past life lessons learned on the baseball diamond and how I feel God has used them to shape me, and how HE is now the focus on my life.
Thanks for reading and please check back soon!
Boz
"i went too far I went too fast i’d light a fire, just to walk right through it.
busted bones, dreams and tears, tattoo my heart like souvenirs
life is just a word till you go through it, i’ve got the scars to prove it"
The song makes me reflect on my life and my battle with Cancer as well as my journey to get back on the baseball field, and also my journey with God. For those who do not know me well, my life revolved around baseball for 22 years. Even to this day, it invades my thoughts, feelings, and deepest emotions. Regardless of what life has thrown at me, it has been a constant source of hapiness in my life, and that forever connecting bond between my father and I. I am also a very competitive guy, with a firey past on the baseball diamond that includes ejections, scuffles, and a napolean like syndrome when in the batters box or on the mound. The game has shown the best of me, and all too often the worst of me as a person. It has tested my character time and time again, and just like the song lyrics above has played a part in busted dreams and tears. It also happens to go hand and hand with two of my three tattoos. Looking back on all of my years I have played, and the comeback I am hoping and working dilligently at to complete I see how God has used this game to shape me, and build a fire in me.......to many, baseball is just a game till you go through it, I've got the scars to proove it.
Current Situation: If you are new to my blog and do not know me, you will find out all that this blog is about my clicking the "about me" section on the right of this page. Friday morning I will be having my 4th Cancer related surgery in the last 12 months. I will be having surgery to remove, what doctors believe to be cancer (sarcoma) cells that have traveled or possibly originated in my lungs. The surgery will cause me to lose around or less then 15% of my lung function. Both athletically, and physically I am told this will not be a problem.
I am told I will need a month to recover, and it may be a couple before I feel full strength. It is my intention to take the week off from actively participating in baseball practices at Western Technical College. From there, I will give it an addition week if need be, and regardless of pain I plan to begin lightly throwing and swinging a bat again. It remains my goal to play college baseball this season and I am shooting for an April return.
Please include you me in your prayers, for nothing is possible without the strength of the Lord.
In this blog you can expect to see ........ more truth, and honest writtings about the situation at hand, as well as storys of past life lessons learned on the baseball diamond and how I feel God has used them to shape me, and how HE is now the focus on my life.
Thanks for reading and please check back soon!
Boz
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